Huge AIDS Data Massage Operation Busted By Police

NY, October 21, 2006 -- NYPD morals squad commandos armed with stun guns and tear gas grenades staged a surprise raid on an AIDS research laboratory at Columbia University yesterday, claiming it was really a data massage parlor. This was a big operation, one of the biggest in the country," said Dan Farella, a detective who took part in the raid. "They were claiming to be a center devoted to AIDS research, but in the back rooms, they were massaging raw data for money." 

Some of the data was massaged by applying "mathematical models" from top modeling agencies, Farella said. One of the apprehended models, Naomi, a buxom six-foot tall blonde, protested, "What's wrong with manipulating data? Chiropractors manipulate the spine and nobody complains."

The "laboratory's" clients apparently included top US government and WHO health officials and leading Aids journalists, according to a little black book seized by police. 

 "Soft" data were taken into the back room and tickled until they became hard data, police said. Then they were caressed with computer stimulations and luberatory fluids until they gushed forth with the desired answer.

These explosions of massaged information were lapped up hungrily by the "scientists" at the "laboratory," who knew that if they could swallow it, anyone could. Sure enough, their massaged data was almost always accepted by leading scientific journals, resulting in big paydays and offers of "consulting fees" for the "researchers" who did the work. 

For an extra fee, the scientist-models and labia assistants even mouthed the massaged data and regurgitated it at press conferences.

Small titers were massaged into big titers, police said. And some of the models had very big titers that had been featured in centerfolds in sleazy publications like Science and The Lancet.

Often two "scientists" worked on the same data at once, with one massaging it from the top, and the other from the bottom. Sometimes a third would join them, and insert his PCR probe into the data in hopes of creating new baseline variables.

A few of the models and masseuses seemed perplexed, and said they had done nothing wrong. 

"If I've got a cute little number and I can make it a better number by massaging it, why shouldn't I do that?" said Dr. Mathilde Quim, the madam of the "laboratory," as a wad of massaged data dribbled from her mouth and trickled down her chin.

Noted AIDS scientist Dr. David Ballmemore agreed. "Our massage work takes data that are too fat or too slim or otherwise unappealing and gives it a nice figure," he said. "What's wrong with that?" 

Dr. Anthony Faust, who police say was one of the "deep pockets" involved in funding the "laboratory," said he would cooperate with prosecutors in exchange for leniency in sentencing. "This place is small potatoes compared to what's out there," he said, hands cuffed behind his back. "All of these AIDS labs are really data massage parlors. Everywhere in the world! This is big bucks we're talking about." He declined to say more, saying that he hadn't spoken with his attorney yet.

Another data masseur, Dr. Bobbit Gallo, had a slightly different view. "We may be prostitutes, but we have a HAART of gold," he screamed as he was taken away by police. "Here, I have the data that proves it !"

© 2006 Marcel Girodian

Marcel Girodian is a satyr -- I mean a satirist -- who specializes in objective reporting about the "scientific community." His application for a $5 million grant to write about the AIDS establishment was recently turned down by the NIH. (Otis)

Comments

[Dan]

Marcel,

Funny stuff, if not just a wee bit too raunchy. The image of Mathilde was more than I could handle before breakfast.

[Marcel]

Be strong, Dan. We have to face these horrors if we are to expose Aids Inc.