What is life like for young gays
after 25 years of the Age of AIDS? How do they perceive the HIV/AIDS paradigm
in their own lives?
First of all, young gays,
like all young people everywhere, see themselves as somewhat invincible. Death
is something that happens to old people or others, not themselves. And overall,
this view is not incorrect. How does HIV/AIDS affect their lives and their
thinking? Many do live in paranoiac fear of it, but quite a few are seeking the thrills of extreme experience - facing
the life and death fear factor that is an inherent part of gay sex in a world
that believes in HIV/AIDS. Believing that one could so pleasurably, even
orgasmically lose one's life with each act of uncontained male to male
sex, makes every encounter that much more exciting.
To view it from such a vantage increases the inherent sexual excitement, as it is really quite a high to join with another and stare death orgasmically in the face when one
is young. Consider it to be a bit like reaching orgasm just as you jump out of
a plane not knowing if your chute will open or not. Quite a rush! And quite
addictive! Yet very few deal with anything other than common STDs unless they
have run their bodies down in self destructive fits of drug taking or other
forms of self abuse.
But often, especially when
they are dealing with extreme emotional pain, many young gays seek escape
seeking love in usually all of the wrong places and with all the wrong faces. The
bars or the company of other young gays experiencing similar lives is where
many are able to feel at ease and be themselves. The quest for the next eternal
love wards off feelings of rejection, low self esteem, shame, guilt, and fear
of the majority. Others still pursue the emotional escape that is temporarily
found in alcohol, drugs, or sexcapades. The life of a young gay male is often
exciting, fun, and very hedonistic, yet for those that suffer the most extreme
inner pain, death by AIDS becomes an unconfessed though desirable way out.
Gay culture is, and always
was, primarily a youth obsessed one. It is based on living a lifestyle that is
usually dependent on one's youthful sexual attractiveness. But alas, almost
all young gay males do get older. With aging comes the body changes, graying or
balding hair, wrinkling skin from too many days at the beach or park, and
pouches where a six pack used to be, loss of their teeth from drug abuse or
lack of care is not uncommon for those who overindulged in such. And some gay
men do not age willingly or gracefully, and age is often fought off tooth and
nail by laser treatments or gym workouts by those who can afford them.
The emotional aspects of
coping with one's homosexuality have never been easy when one is living in a
predominantly heterosexually based society and world. Although the majority are
fairly well adjusted, particularly as society becomes more and more accepting
of gays, many do still have problems dealing with aging. As some gay men reach
their mid 30s to mid 40s, they can find themselves living very unfulfilled and
often times lonely lives. By the mid 40s, a lot of gay men begin to feel
sexually isolated. Between 1991 and 1996, the number of new "AIDS
cases" rose twice as fast in persons 50 and older. [Older heterosexual
adults dealing with illness also have more severe disease courses and a shorter
survival time. They also often no longer feel *attractive* and can feel that
their life is not worth living.] They are not invited to the parties.
Some are still working dead end or minimum wage jobs. Their love life has often
produced disappointment. Some have buried their lovers if they did have one. Often,
they have no spouse, nor wife nor children to live for. Only a few are involved
in giving to the larger community, or giving of themselves to a cause, which
can give a person a sense of purpose or reason to live. They often have no
outside interest in anything other than the bars or the gay *scene*, which is
no longer so friendly. Those who have been immersed in a hedonistic lifestyle
sometimes (even often) become very self-centered. The hedonistic life does take
a toll. For those who have not successfully integrated their lives, the result
is often an internal death wish from seeing life as quite meaningless and
empty.
A lot of gay men actually
do have an internal death wish which gets louder as they age. Ask and you shall
receive goes the saying. HIV/AIDS becomes the way out of a seemingly
meaningless and empty life. Often, with the pity and care that is received from
those closest to the diagnosed, it is the first time that some felt truly
loved or cared about.
Back in the 80s, as gays
came painfully out of their middle American closets, the emotional pain and
rejection of their family and friends and churches was often too much to bear
and many wanted to quickly get off of the planet and out of the pain. HIV/AIDS
diagnoses with the immediate prescription of deadly poisonous AZT often
provided them the means. For those wishing to exit the planet quickly today,
the modern AIDS drugs do not kill quick enough. It is not the same today as it
was with the AZT monotherapy of 12 years ago. With the AZT monotherapy, the
side effects were usually immediate and drastic, and the patient would live for
an average of 8 months to 1-1/2 years. Today, with HAART drugs, it takes much
more time to damage livers or kidneys or cause neuropathy or lypodystrophy for
those who have chosen this course.
For the panicked HIV
positives that do not want to go quite yet, taking the drugs does alleviate a
lot of the panic and fear factor of quick death, as they feel they are doing
something to ward off death yet keep the promise of desired death near in hand.
And believe it or not, lessening the fear factor of inevitable death most
likely does keep the immune system from shutting down and staying shut down as
happens when someone is living in a fully panicked state of mind of quick and
imminent death by HIV/AIDS.
The cost of taking the HIV
drugs these days is usually long term, instead of short term. As many of these
guys age, their hearts, livers, and kidneys just cannot take the beatings from
the harsh HAART drugs that their bodies could withstand when they were in their
20s to 30s. Often, the effects (they are not side effects) are gradual. They
also seems to depend on factors like drug abuse, and many other forms of
emotional and chemical stress. Those that live relaxed, relatively
"clean" lifestyles generally fare well until the national median
mortality age and sometimes even longer. But then, and just ask around, who, in
a predominantly straight and youth based society, wants to be an old, tired,
lonely, gay man anyway?
Michael Geiger is a member of the board of directors of HEAL San Diego. The image, "Ambiguities of the Olive Branch" is from this gallery.
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